the end of The Pause

Opening the browser and clicking ‘new post’ is the closest I ever care to come to putting a loaded gun to my head in order to find the spark to motivate myself. Am I seeming a tad dramatic with that statement? I’m not intending to be, but I do want to be completely genuine in sharing the struggles I have with procrastination. I want to write, yet even when I’ve finally found the rare luxury of time to do so, I slip into the comfort of distraction, my attention span struggles to keep me focused, while my drive to write clings desperately to the hope that I will eventually find the discipline to do so. Distractions I can manage. Sometimes I want them; the buzz of voices, of music can be stimulating, yet at other times, I need silence, and to be completely undisturbed in order to get the creative juices flowing. Occassionaly it’s impossible to find the drive, and there’s good reason for it. To me, this is why writing is an art, not a science. I need to coax the muse out to play; I cannot summon it through a tried and true ‘scientific’ approach, although I’m hoping some sort of writing ritual (my process?) will eventually establish itself and prove similarly effective. For the most part, clicking ‘new post’ seems to have the desired result in spurring me on to writing, but it doesn’t always result in a same day clicking of ‘publish’ (not on this occasion a least), so the battle with procrastination rages on.

The struggle with procrastination is real; inertia is very hard to overcome when the will to do so doesn’t outweigh it. This is both a sign and a lesson, to recognize and accept as truths, at least for myself, in order to move forward in a manner that is meaningful.


The sixth wave of the pandemic has not officially been recognized just yet, but there are many reports of sewage tests indicating the virus is currently at the levels last seen at the peak of the last Omicron wave. The rules in coping with this familiar reality are completely different in responding to the spread of a new wave of the virus in the post March 1, 2022 world. The Kenney led government is struggling for it’s existence as the leadership review vote started this past weekend. Party members are probably feeling every bit as jerked around by the changing rules for the vote as they did with the varied half hearted responses taken by the Kenny government to stymie the spread of COVID during the first five waves of the pandemic. There seems more energy and commitment by Kenny in guiding the leadership review to the outcome he hopes for than he demonstrated in attempting to lead the way in keeping COVID in check or keeping Albertans safe.

Perhaps in this wave(?) there will be no restrictions and no closures, as the government apparently now feels that after two years, we citizens can now be trusted enough to judge conditions and determine our own actions to take in order to ensure our safety and to police ourselves in protecting others. This a necessary step we all must take in order to return to the life and world we were accustomed to pre-COVID 19, but not everyone is ready to make the leap to that next step.

I’m not 100% there, nor am I ready yet to put COVID behind me, as there are too many reminders of the pandemic still being amongst us to ignore. Masks have transitioned from being something mandated, to something that allows me to add an extra layer of additional protection when I find myself feeling unsafe, or have a need to keep at top of health. In May, Bae and I intend to isolate as much as possible in the 10 days before we take our first trip outside of the country since January 2020. We don’t want a repeat of a COVID induced slamming of the brakes on our lives again due to a positive COVID test in the hours before we board our flight to return to the world; not after the not so patiently waiting, or after having earned the right to do so by being responsible global citizens who got our vaccinations and boosters.

Time and again I remind myself that the ‘reset’ brought on by The Pause isn’t one to be wasted. The price has been too high (the time lost to isolation, closed borders, the distance from those we value, restaurants and theatres shuttered, the fear of a virus and its variants potential effects on those unfortunate to host it, or the relationships that didn’t survive into the new normal, to name just a few) to not take advantage of its valuable teachings. I know that I am no longer the same person who went into the first lockdown on a grey, snowy night in March, 2020, and that I am emerging from the Pause, into the full brightness of spring in April, 2022, with new alignment and direction toward inner bliss and peacefulness, rather than my previous path of service and support of others as my life’s top priority.

(About this point, it was the procrastination cocktail kicked in: an impulse to mix up a batch of cookies could not be ignored, and was quickly followed by a Jack Herer induced monologue about the creative process, which took me away from writing until both the cookies and I were sufficiently baked. Btw, the cookies were underdone, but I was left feeling the focus and creativity to return to getting my writing groove on.)

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three messages: did the dam just burst?

Its likely very evident I’ve been on another hiatus from writing since my last entry (I haven’t published since late November). I had hoped to end this hiatus with the arrival of the New Year, however the past two weeks have seen me struggle to write anything of a personal nature in what typically is has been my favorite time of the year to write.

The signs of breakthrough starting to coming arrived this week, when I actually opened an editor and started capturing words. However (you knew this was coming), that same editor then remained untouched for three days until I returned to the blog after spending the weekend relaxing and doing some ‘seeding’ for my now self identified and defined creative process, and engaging in some self care.

It’s often said the best ideas and processes are designed by the people who are going to be using them, and I finally seem to have accepted that this is a concept I need to apply in my own life, instead of just with the organizations I serve. (Wait, what? It, is this a fourth important message finally acknowledged as received?)

seem familiar to you? did to me as well, three days after I started it.
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truth and meaning found (found) in writing

It’s been a while since I did one of these ‘defining’ posts (I’ve decided that’s what I’ll call them.) This one has a twist, and perhaps if you’ve really been paying attention to the blog, you’ll see why.


In just the past couple weeks I’ve started to feel as though my life had returned to the level of busyness that I had existed in pre-pandemic. While the busyness of the variety of my commitments doesn’t yet look the same as they did pre-pandemic, the stress associated with those demands had bullied itself back into my life just as strongly as before, however the signs that had accompanied it’s arrival this time were different, more muted, blending into the background. It had been sneaking up on me: the Boil v1.04.

The good news was that the lessons of the pandemic’s arrival have held and I realized that I was succumbing to the Boil again (whatever version it is now). I’m sure it’s a Jack Herer inspired thought but: thank fuck the designers, creators and writers of this new version of the Matrix weren’t on their A game before releasing it, or I might have been lost to it, again. (And yes, I’m looking very much forward to revisiting.)

The inspiration to write this post started to shape itself in the past few days. My first writing course since high school is now complete and while the course experience wasn’t really what I hoped for (a how to become a better writer in eight short weeks), it did allow me to define just what type of a writer I am, but perhaps also provided a life changing lesson.

With thanks and appreciation to the course’s instructor, I now believe I have a label to apply to my style: Creative Non-Fiction Writer. For whatever reason I don’t feel ready to pigeon hole myself to just the one classification as a writer, but my leanings toward fiction might only lean so far as semi-fiction, as I cannot seem to call upon the muse to create ideas from a blank slate (I think that slate disappeared when the crayon was put into my right hand instead of my left in kindergarten) without a lot of creative focus, which I can rarely summon.

My creative writing course stayed true to it’s description, focusing on story telling, something that had been well outside of my comfort zone until I realized it was okay to call upon real life experiences in order to generate copy and satisfy the objectives of the course (in this case two 1000 word assignments and peer reviews). I now realize that it’s impossible to write anything that is without influence, and that has helped me find some peace in what I once considered a creative inadequacy I held. (Think how much better your life would be if you were able to accept this reality when the crayon was put in your hand versus waiting to middle age to figure out?) As far as my story writing ability goes, well, based on feedback, I might be able to stretch my range into semi-fiction, so I may not discard the premise I explored during the course, and instead explore it and the style further as a writing canvas to be pulled out when and if the spirit, the muse, revisits it, but it isn’t what comes naturally to me.

Truth unlocked: It doesn’t come naturally to me.

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